An important tool: learning to say no

Knowing how to say no is not as important as it should be taught to us from the moment we learn to speak, but luckily, we can learn it whenever we want.

Saying no, upsets

Both the one who says it and the one who receives it, the "no" is a word that, except on rare occasions when we say it with pride, causes certain discomfort. Culturally saying no is frowned upon. In fact, it is even seen as a lack of education in certain contexts. Historically, the only people who had the right to say no were those who had power. The more power, the more ability to refuse anything, and vice versa: the less power, the less ability to say no to anything. If we think about it, slavery is precisely that: someone takes away our ability to say no and we have to comply with all their desires. Despite that and everything society has advanced, we are still taught that saying no is something impolite and we feel guilty for refusing when, in reality, we have the right to not always want to do what we are asked. The trap that our mind sets for us is that saying yes brings us a series of important social benefits such as fitting into a group, pleasing others, giving an image of closeness, involvement, and kindness, etc. That's why it is so difficult for us to say no, but forcing ourselves to always comply with the will of others generates a great internal discomfort that will make us accumulate tension, harm our self-esteem, and we will have feelings of loneliness and personal failure by always relegating our own interests. Saying no makes us feel selfish or fear that others perceive us that way. But, in reality, saying it when appropriate will make us know how to set boundaries, respect ourselves, and be perceived by others as secure and trustworthy individuals. That being said, since we have been taught to please and say yes to everything, we must unlearn some things to improve our assertiveness and be able to say no without remorse.

Clarification

Before we start with the tips to learn how to say no, it is important to underline a series of things:

• Knowing how to set boundaries is important, but knowing how to be supportive and wanting to help others is also important.


• If we only think about ourselves and our own interests, we will have set huge boundaries that no one will want to approach.


• We live in society and prosocial values are very necessary. Individualistic messages, on the other hand, are permeating so much that we forget that we and our circumstances are not the center of the world.


• Knowing how to say no is very important for our self-esteem, but saying yes or knowing how to sacrifice ourselves for others in certain situations is also important.


• Good mental health and good family and social relationships require both: knowing when to say no and when to say yes.

That being said, let's get to the topic: how do we learn to say no?

“Say what they say... others”

Or something like that was sung by a gentleman who was very popular with our grandparents called Raphael. The thing is, other people's opinions are changing, not too important, and we don't have as much control over them as we think. In reality, unless it's the opinion of someone we love very much, what the rest think should matter very little to us. Therefore, if we are able to not take what others think so seriously, we will have already gained a lot. Saying no when the opinion of others only matters to us to a certain extent will not have that component of guilt and will be much easier for us.

Use assertive communication methods

• The basic way:

—Thank you for inviting me, but I don't feel like it today.

• The sandwich technique, in which the negative is sandwiched between two positive or empathetic messages:

—I'm sorry that you're so busy with work, but I can't help you because I have to prepare for the language school exam to graduate and get my eTitle. Maybe another classmate can help you, ask the study group on WhatsApp to see if you're lucky.

• We use the broken record technique for overly insistent people:

—We're going to a party at Maria's tonight.

—I can't, I have to study all day tomorrow and I want to go to bed early.

—You can't miss it, you'll study another day; come on.

—Thank you very much for inviting me, but I really have to study all day tomorrow and I want to go to bed early.

—Come on, don't be like that!

—No, really, tomorrow I have to study all day and I want to go to bed early, there will be other parties, but I'm not going to this one.

• Agreement technique:

—Do you want to come to the movies this afternoon?

—I feel like staying home today, but thanks for letting me know.

—Come on, please, everyone else is going as couples and it's going to be weird.

—I'm sorry, I really don't feel like going to the movies today, but if you want, we can go together next Wednesday.

• Postponement technique: this technique is very useful when we are put in a situation where we don't want to comply but we don't know how to refuse or when our bosses or teachers ask us to take on some extra responsibility. It serves to not give an immediate yes and then feel bad:

—Can you please take care of coordinating the work groups?

—Right now I have a lot of work, but let me check my schedule and get organized and I'll give you an answer tomorrow.

And, of course, we have to give it. There are many more assertive communication techniques that help us in our interpersonal relationships and are very useful for learning how to say no. If at first we find it difficult to use them, we shouldn't get overwhelmed; fortunately, life will give us many opportunities to perfect our technique for refusing almost anything.